I put out a call for guest blogs the other day and I got one in particular about the fixed gear trend that I thought was pretty good. The author wishes to be known only as “P Dogg”. For the record, the views expressed are not necessarily those of The Come Up or Adam22, although let’s be real, I also think that shit sucks. Check it out after the jump.
Previously: Why I Don’t Like Anything Besides BMX
A few days ago I went to the skatepark to get my ride on. The sun had just returned from it’s four-month hibernation and I had a beer or two in me, so needless to say I was pumped. What I saw when I got there though made me want to leave immediately—three greasy haired awkward teenagers were riding the skatepark on their fixies. Or, more accurately, they were standing around in a circle talking about their tissue-thin neon wheelsets.
Fixies themselves aren’t that horrible if you’re racing around one of those banked velotracks or whatever the fuck they’re called. But riding a skatepark on a fixie is like going off-roading with a Prius. It’s gonna break and you’re gonna look like a big goon— which is precisely what happened to one of these guys. The most zit-faced one started trying to 180 up the funbox, but ended up doing more of a of a 90 instead. Now any BMXer would just step of and go back and try it again. Of course this guy was clipped in, so he went down in the slowest, most awkward teetering fall I’ve ever seen. He took it hard on his hip, still holding the bars and everything like he was frozen. He had the most surprised look and it was all I could do not to laugh in his face. Instead of taking the hint to sit down for a minute and think about the idiocy of what he was doing, he kept trying it and broke like 4 spokes in his back wheel.
These kids had the standard messenger bags, carabiner key chain thingies, u-lock in the back pocket, and Vans lowtops that you’d see on any fixie drone, but they decided to gay it up even more with their low v-neck stripey shirts, thick rimmed glasses, girlpants, etc. I felt like I was at a Fall Out Boy album cover photoshoot or some shit. Usually I say to each his own, but if I have to see the outline of your schlong every time you do one of those pedaling wheelie barspins, I’m gonna take offense to having to ride in the same skatepark with you.
This fixie trend is all about fashion over function, whoever subscribes to that ideal ends up looking like a complete jagaloon. The miniscule handlebar trend is a perfect example. I know BMXers take uncut Slambars to an extreme, but wide bars actually give you more bike control (unless you’re a scrawny 13 year old that has to hold them like you’re riding a Harley). But if you’re on a fixie, you’re riding a bigger bike in traffic and you have to slow down with pedal pressure, so wouldn’t you want more bike control instead of those two inch wide bars?
In fact, the other day I say someone riding with NO HANDLEBARS. He was holding his stem in a fist like a freakin joystick at an arcade and steering through traffic. I’m not sure whether his bars were stolen or broken or something, but I pray to gosh that they were and that he wasn’t trying to take the small handlebar trend to the next step. But the fact that I thought he might be is just pitiful, and a sign of the ridiculousness of fixie hipsters.
I don’t wanna see some “BMX jihad” Thrasher-style war between BMXers and fixie riders, but I’ll just say I would be happy if all fixie riders moved 3000 miles away and started their own country or something. Do what you do, but I’d appreciate if me and everyone else with any self-respect and decency weren’t forced to witness your self-inflated fashion show of a hobby.
Previously: Tyler Johnson Fixthie Video.| Fixed Gear Pedal Icepick.|